1000 Gifts Discussion

1/ Did any thought/theme startle you this week? Please give at least one quote that resonated with you personally:
"For years of mornings, I have woken wanting to die. Life itself twists into nightmare. For year I have pulled the covers up over my head, dreading to begin another day I'd be bound to just wreck. Years, I lie listening to the taunt of names ringing off my interior walls, ones from the past that never drifted far and away: Loser. Mess. Failure. They are signs nailed overhead, nailed through me, naming me... I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing." (pg. 17) "Physically feeling it in the veins trembling, the hard pant of the lungs, the seeing it in the steady stars, how much I really want to really live. How I don't want to die." (pg. 18)
Those words knocked the wind out of me.  It felt at though she pulled them out of my own head.  THIS is how I have spent my life. Terrified to live. Feeling as though everyday I was a walking zombie. In many times, not wanting to wake up and face another day. But being terrified that suddenly time would be up and life would be over. Then my veins would run ice cold, my heart pounds and I find myself terrified of the thought of being out of time and screaming to the Lord in my head "But I want to live! Please give me more time!"  I spend so much of my life in a constant state of self-hatred and anxiety. What does it mean to really live?  I see people that I love and admire living life "to the fullest" and I find myself envious. Is there something wrong with me?  Does it mean that I am not as "saved" as I should be?  Or is it something that is simply out of my grasp?  I KNOW God wants more for me.  But I feel like I'm stuck in the mud. I make progress every now and then but it is slow and sometimes ineffective. The strange thing is that inside, I know this isn't a failure. It is a teaching moment and a chance to really "get it". But even though I know in truth that what I see as failure God sees as a chance to grow, I focus only on the failure and the cycle continues.

2. What's on your "bucket list"? Has this changed over the years?(i.e., before college/after college, before marriage/after marriage, before kids/after kids.) How? Why do you think our culture is fascinated with the idea of "Things to Do Before You Die"? It sounds incredibly silly but I never wanted to put together a bucket list when I was younger.  Death terrified me and any thought of having some sort of list that would somehow spell out when I had "done everything" and was therefore ready to die freaked me out.  I do have a list of things I want to do though I don't consider it a bucket list, per se.  To me it is more of a fantasy list... things that I would love to do but realize I am not likely to ever be able to do them. For example, I want to summit Mt. Everest. Never gonna happen. I hate the cold, am afraid of heights, terrified of climbing and lack the physical discipline to get anywhere near that mountain. But I can dream.  My list is filled with things that I will probably never do but I'm okay with that. 
In some ways I don't think that the "bucket list" preoccupation has anything to do with actual death itself.  I think it has more to do with avoiding the feeling of death while you are alive.  There is a certain degree of hopelessness that rides on the backs of every anthem that we hear associated with living life here and now.  I've seen death first hand and it scares me much less than the feeling of "death" that I, like so many others have lived with before. Some live with it every day.  I think having a bucket list makes us feel that we have something to live for when we feel as though we are not really living at all. 

3. When you consider your everyday, do you believe you can find things to make you "bow low," "see beauty," and be "arrested by wonder"? Why or why not? It doesn't take much to distract me when it comes to the beauty around me.  Even when I was little, I used to stare out the window for hours looking at the trees, birds, sky, rocks and anything else in view and was constantly amazed at all God had blessed the world with. I am not a morning person but love being able to watch the sun come up while I drive to clinicals. To see the purple mist that settles in the valleys and the fifty different shades of green in the fields and trees.  The oranges and pinks of the sunrise and the sound of song birds... I get the chills just thinking about it. Even in the classroom, I am completely mesmerized by the human body and how it all works together.  From the smallest particle in our being to the the workings of our minds, nothing is wasted and everything has a place and purpose and works together with everything else in this incredibly complex and beautiful dance.  I don't understand who people can study science and see all of this and not believe in a God that created it all!  However, I am still struggling with how to surrender and accept the things I am thankful for as gifts.  In many ways I guess I have viewed these amazing creations as something that God has gifted to others and I am only allowed to observe. I have no idea why I am this way... I have no doubt that God has blessed me beyond measure. My entire life is marked by incredible moments of grace and love, even from before I was born.  For some reason I feel as though I don't deserve it or that it was not specifically meant for me.  I feel as though my eyes have always been open to the blessing around me but I have not been open in order to truly RECEIVE them.

4. Voskamp spends several pages providing support that Charis/Grace, Eucharisto/Thanksgiving, and Chara/Joy exist whenever, wherever. Did she convince you? How does that affect your daily experience?/b]

I am a complete believe in this.  Everything that I see in nature and the more I learn the more I am convinced. I think the hard part is trying to remind ourselves to look up from whatever we are currently doing or whatever situation we are in before we can see it. 

5. What do you think of the concept that salvation may be acquired at the acceptance of Christ but "fullest" salvation is only available in thanksgiving?
That makes perfect sense to me.  For me, it all goes back to having open eyes to everything but not being open to receive any of it.  I know I have accepted Christ and have salvation but I've never been able to fully enjoy it.  I think this is because I have not openly received and accepted the joy He wants to give me through thanksgiving.  I guess I could sum it up like this - I am incredibly grateful for everything I have been blessed with. But grateful and thankful are not necessarily the same thing.  You cannot thank someone for a gift that you have not accepted. God keeps giving me so much but I can't feel "full" unless I learn to accept it. I need to accept those blessings in order to grab the life He gives by the tail and really live.

Now I just need to put that into practice.